Friday, January 18, 2013

y i so dumm

once upon a time, i was smart. i could do a lots of smart things.  i was good at school i was good at spelling i was good at a lots of more of smart things too.  than one day i woke up. i was not smart.

from before when i was smart i red this book about a mouse who got smart and got dumm again but the mouse was dumm before but before i was smart not dumm so thats not rilly wat happend.  i dunno wat happen sence i was always smart until i got dumm.

but anyways i'm sposed to be talking about why i'm so dumm.  i think its cause some of my friends are also rill dumm so maybe i got dummer from them like the flu cuase i no they dont wash there hands very much like ppl say to do. thats why they smell bad to but i'm sposed to write about why i'm so dumm and i'm so dumm i keep forgetting!!!!!!!!!!!! what i'm writing.

anyways my frends are dumm.  like susan and cari lynn are rill dumb.  but sometimes they preten to be smart even tho no 1 beliefs it so before i new them i was not so dumm but then there dumm cot on me and now i cant even hardly remember what to do.

so susan is dumm and she always wares these swetters and she likes to puke. so maybe when she pukes, the dumm from the puke gets on her swetters and when she gives me big squooshly hugs i get the dumm jerms to.

and cari lynn is dumm and she trys to push me down to hurt me and kill me sometime but then when ppl start looking than she pretens shes helpin me up so she gives me big squoosly hugs to. but rilly i no shes just tryn to kill me. cause she wants to take my lamp that she loves.  so if she kills me she can get it maybe.

so anyways thats i think why i'm dumm its my frends folt but not rilly frends but my enemys.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Follow Your Dreams

(Dedicated to Aly Evans.) 

I am allegedly 17 weeks and 2 days into my first pregnancy, and I have come to the conclusion that pregnancy is a myth.  

This is made up. 

Despite the small pile of positive pregnancy tests on my bathroom counter, I didn't even start to believe in the remote possibility that I might be pregnant until I had my first OB appointment at 10 weeks of my alleged pregnancy.  Looking at the squirmy little form on the screen awakened in me the slightest hint that it might actually be the case that there was, in fact, a being growing inside of me.  This feeling has since worn off.  

Yes, my belly is growing.  But that could also be the doughnuts I had for "second breakfast" yesterday.   And speaking of those doughnuts, I should mention that one of my greatest disappointments in this "pregnancy" is that I have had very little in the way of cravings.  

Perhaps I'm just doing them wrong.  I've always thought that these "pregnancy cravings," as they are so called, were involuntary, sudden, and undeniable--and strange.  That I might be sitting at my desk in the office (I have neither a desk nor an office) at midnight (I'm in bed by 11), and suddenly think of the mythical pickles and ice cream.  Hence, I would alert my devoted husband of this necessity, and he would run to the nearest 24-hour store to satisfy my need, being the gem that he is.  After some thought, though, I'm wondering if they aren't a bit more calculated than that.  Perhaps I'm just supposed to use my position as the woman carrying my husband's child to exert my authority over him, to test the lengths he is willing to traverse to accommodate his Beloved.  

In this scenario, it plays out as follows: 

I think to myself, "I like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, but I have none at the house right now."  Now, under normal circumstances, I would then say to myself, "Oh, well," and either find a viable alternative or give up the idea altogether.  As a Pregnant Individual, however, I take a different approach.  I say to my Other Half, "Good heavens me!  If I don't have a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup very soon, I think the baby will grow an extra arm!" And he, being overly concerned for my well-being, will dash out to the store and buy as many Reese's Cups as are available.  As I munch, I plot my next "craving."  

My apologies to the rest of womankind if I have just outed a conspiracy.  I was not informed, and thus have not been benefiting from it, so I feel no loyalty. 

Pregnancy dreams are another thing causing me disappointment.  They have been painfully normal, like last night's gem:  

"Rachel Eats Enchiladas While Chaperoning a Youth Conference Activity at Church." Yawn. 

This is kind of what they looked like. 

Even my most interesting dream of late was fairly boring.  Andy and I were vacationing in Paris (which, for those of you who have never been, is very much like a small amusement park, if my dream is accurate).  We waited in line to ride a train or roller coaster from which we could see the city, but what I really wanted to do was to go to the top of the rotating restaurant.  It wasn't just any ordinary rotating restaurant, either.  It would also periodically change its orientation from horizontal to vertical, making it part restaurant, part thrill ride. At $100 a head, though, it was outside our price range. 

In my dream, I remembered the first piece of mine ever published: a little paragraph in the Greensheet when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade (this is real-life true, in fact).  To respond to the question "What would your dream vacation be?" I answered that I would like to go to Paris, where I would climb the Eiffel tower, and then eat at a famous pastry shop.  (Still true.)  So, back to my dream, I told Andy that we would have to live my dream and find a bakery.  I really wanted a croissant (craving?).  

The funny thing is that I didn't recall any of this until I saw a commercial featuring a croissant on TV at the gym.  I suppose I should have taken that opportunity to go to the bakery 'round the corner and make my Beloved buy me a croissant . . . "for the baby."  Blast.  

And now, I want a croissant again.  "Sweeeeeeetie?"  

The Project

I've always loved to write, and my whole life I've received positive feedback about my work.  However, since I've finished grad school, I haven't done very much of it.  Thus, I launch this blog.  I don't want to lose whatever skills I have, and the only way to maintain and to build upon those skills is to do it.  So, here goes nothing.  

I posed the question to my Facebook friends asking for writing prompts to help me get started, since part of why I haven't written is because I have trouble these days finding things to write about.  I used to just come up with stories upon stories, but that's not the case anymore.  In any case, this is what my Facebook friends came up with as my catalyst: 

*How has your time in Vienna altered your life? 
*why u so dumb? 
y u so dumm
*I like turtles. 
*A memoir in the mind of household objects, like the toaster is depressed because te blender won't return his calls.
*Document your preggo dreams, maybe even elaborate on them.
* "He/she was the last person I had expected to see again in my life, yet there he/she was." 
*How Januka and Dhana Pati got back together? (fiction)
*How Ted Mosby finally meets his wife
*Your version of what happened to Doc Edward's podium (Doc E was my Sr. English teacher in HS).
*School lunches. You wouldn't believe how much writing material you get out of writing about school lunches.
*Introduce yourself through your cat's perspective.
*Write about the phrase "I'm Okay."
*Beardie Chris's hobo story
* "It was an ordinary day . . ."
*still, why u so dumb? 

Thanks for all the responses!  These will make some great (and some not-so-great--thanks, jerks!) places to start.